Are you one of those people who like long jokes? Or do you prefer short and concise ones? Here you will find a list of long jokes to make people laugh when you get to the end of it, after a long explanation.
1️⃣ A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”
The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”
“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.
The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said.
“I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach."
2️⃣ A businessman went into the office and found an inexperienced handyman painting the walls. The handyman was wearing two heavy parkas on a hot summer day.
Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing the parkas on such a hot day.
The handyman showed him the instructions on the can of paint. They read: “For best results, put on two coats.”
3️⃣ A prince was put under a spell so that he could speak only one word each year. If he didn’t speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words and so on.
One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady. He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her “my darling.” But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years. At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years.
Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he led the lady to the most romantic place in the kingdom and said, “My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?”
And the lady said, “Pardon?”
4️⃣ Two friends are walking their dogs -- a Dalmatian and a Chihuahua -- when they smell something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.
The guy with the Dalmatian says, “Let’s get something to eat.”
But the guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there, we have dogs with us.”
So the first guy says, “Just follow my lead.” He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks into the restaurant.
“Sorry,” says the owner, “no pets allowed.”
“But this is my seeing-eye dog,” the guy with the Dalmatian says.
“Yes, they’re using them now.”
The owner says, “Very well, then, come on in.”
The guy with the Chihuahua repeats the process and gets the same response from the owner: “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.”
“But this is my seeing-eye dog,” says the second guy.
“A Chihuahua?” asks the incredulous owner.
“A Chihuahua?!,” says the man in the dark glasses. “They gave me a Chihuahua?!”
5️⃣ Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins."
"That's odd," answers the man. "I work for the Minnesota Twins!"
A nurse says to the second guy, "Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!"
"That's weird," answers the second man. "I work for the 3M company!"
A nurse tells the third man, "Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets!"
"That's strange," he answers. "I work for the Four Seasons hotel!"
The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong?" the others ask.
"I work for 7 Up!"
6️⃣ John visited his 90-year-old grandpa who lived way out in the country. On the first morning of the visit, John's grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs. John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandpa replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just go ahead and finish your meal."
For lunch, Grandpa made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have specks of dried egg on it. "Are you sure these plates are clean?" he asked.
Without looking up, Grandpa said, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them!"
Later, as John was leaving, his grandpa's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass.
John said, "Grandpa, your dog won't let me get by!"
Grandpa yelled to the dog, "Cold Water, go lie down!"
7️⃣ A lady came in for a routine physical at the doctor’s office. “Here”, said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen container. “The bathroom is over there on your right. The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.”
A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face.
“Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!”
8️⃣ A very wealthy lawyer in a small town is notorious for never giving money to any charity that comes his way. The local animal shelter knows he has a dog and they think that this could be their way into his wallet. They go to his door and he answers, "What do you want?"
One of the ladies replies, "Hello Mr. Smith. We know you are very wealthy and we know you also never give to charity. Wouldn't you enjoy giving back to an organization that helps dogs much like your own?"
The lawyer looks her dead in the eye and replies, "Do you also know that both of my parents are suffering life-threatening illnesses and have medical bills several times their own income?"
The lady, taken back, replies, "Well... No... I thought..."
He interrupts her, "Did you also know my sister's husband left her and their two kids without a penny?"
Still stuttering she replies, "Um... Oh my...."
"And my brother lost his legs in the war," The lawyer continues. At this point, the people from the shelter are dumbstruck and aren't saying a word. Then he finishes, "If they don't get a cent, do you expect to?"
9️⃣ A man died and went to The Judgment, they told him, “Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?
The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”
“Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?”
“About three minutes ago,” came the reply.
1️⃣0️⃣ “Sugar why don’t you sit down by the table and we’ll start supper.” Said Dorothy to her Husband of 50 years. “Sure thing,” said her husband settling himself down.
“Now darling, would you like the soup first or the salad?” Questioned Dorothy. “Umm, I guess I’ll take the soup.” He responded.
After a whole meal of one endearing term after another, their guest Bob couldn’t contain his curiosity any longer. Bob snuck into the kitchen and asked, “Dorothy do you always talk to your husband like that?”
“Bob, I’ll be honest with you,” Dorothy replied. “It’s been five years now, I just can’t remember his name, and I am just too embarrassed to ask him!”
1️⃣1️⃣ “Haha”, thought the cop gleefully, when he saw the staggering man walking out of the bar towards the parking lot, “I’ll just wait until he pulls out and then I’ll pull him over for drunk driving.”
There was no doubt about it the man was as drunk as could be, after tripping over a rock and dusting himself off, the man slowly made his way towards his car swaying every which way. After opening the passenger side door by mistake, the man finally opened the right door and sat down heavily in the driver’s seat.
After dosing off for a few minutes the man seemed to awake out of his drunken slumber and slowly put his keys in the ignition turning on the car.
The man barely started pulling out before the cop turned on his sirens full blast and headed over to the car, “alright buddy” said the cop, “get on out and let me see you walk a straight line.” To the cops surprise the man easily walked a straight line.
After passing the Breathalyzer test too, the cop was positively mystified, “how’d you get sober so quick?” question the cop.
“Get sober?” responded the man with a smile, “I always was sober, I was just distracting you so all my drunken buddies could escape without you noticing!”
1️⃣2️⃣ A man and his blonde wife are sitting inside, by the fire, when the radio announcer comes on: "We are expecting up to a foot of snow tonight, please make sure you are parked on the even-numbered side of the road." The wife goes out and moves her car.
The next day the same thing happens, and the announcer comes on: "We are expecting up to a foot of snow tonight, please make sure you are parked on the odd-numbered side of the road." The wife goes out and moves her car.
A few days later the same thing happens and the announcer comes on: "We are expecting up to two feet of snow tonight, please make sure you are parked on the-" but the power goes out in the middle of the announcement.
The blonde freaks out, "Which side do I put my car on?!"
Her husband tenderly confronts her saying, "How about we just leave the car in the garage this time?"
1️⃣3️⃣ A man goes out with his friends for the night. Before he leaves he tells his wife, "I promise I will be home by midnight."
Midnight comes and goes. He finally arrives home at about 3 AM. As he walks in he realizes the cuckoo clock is about to go off. As it begins to go off he has a flash of genius and decides to coo another 9 times. He sneaks into bed satisfied with himself.
The next morning he wakes up and his wife has breakfast made. She doesn't seem to be mad. Satisfied with himself he asks her, "You sleep okay last night?"
She replies, "Yeah, but we need a cuckoo clock."
He asks her why and she tells him, "Last night it cooed 3 times. Then it yelled, 'Crap!' It cooed another 6 times and giggled a little bit. Finally, it cooed 3 more times, farted, and tripped on the carpet."
1️⃣4️⃣ Little Johnny's teacher asks him, "If I gave you two cats, then two more, and two more cats; how many would you have?"
Little Johnny replies, "Seven!"
His teacher asks him again more slowly, "If I gave you two cats, then two more, and two more cats; how many would you have?"
But again Little Johnny replies, "Seven!"
Next, she asks, "If I get two cats, then two more, and two more cats; how many would I have?"
Little Johnny replies, "Six!"
"Good Job Johnny! Now if I gave you two cats, then two more, and two more cats; how many would you have?"
Johnny thinks for a second, "Seven."
His teacher gets mad, "Johnny, where do you get seven?!"
Johnny replies, "You gave me six cats, and I already have a freaking cat!"
1️⃣5️⃣ A man and his wife are pulled over by a police officer. The officer walks up to the man's window and says "Sir you were going 60 in a 45."
The man says "I was only going 55!"
His wife hits him in the arm and says "No, you were going 65." He gives her a very dirty look.
The officer continues "I'm also going to have to give you a ticket for a broken taillight."
The man says "Broken taillight? I had no idea."
His wife hits him in the arm again and says "What? I've been telling you to get it fixed for weeks."
The man yells "Will you be quiet?"
The officer looks at his wife and asks "Mam, does he always talk to you that way?"
The man's wife shrugs and says "Only when he drinks."