Best 20 New Year Jokes

Start the new year and finish the old one with some humour!
New Year Jokes.

New Year is not far away. Everyone asks for a bright year, full of wellbeing and happiness, and we leave another year behind. We usually go out and celebrate with friends and family and there is also usually a great deal of drinking involved. This must be why most New Year jokes are about drunk people. 

 

2020 is nearly here and we want you to start the year with humour and happiness, that's why we bring you these New Year jokes, for you to have a good laugh and so you can share them with whoever you celebrate the end of the year and the beginning of the next one. 

 

1. A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

 

2. Women get a little more excited about New Year's Eve than men do. It’s like an excuse: you drink too much, you make a lot of promises you’re not going to keep; the next morning as soon as you wake up you start breaking them. For men, we just call that a date.

 

3. John, at a New Year's party, turns to his friend, Dave, and asks for a smoke.

“I thought you made a New Year's resolution and that you don’t smoke,” Dave says.

“I'm in the process of quitting,” replies John with a grin. “I am in the middle of phase one.”

“Phase one?” asks David.

“Yeah,” laughs John, “I've quit buying.”

 

4. If you're born in September, it's pretty safe to assume your parents started out the New Year with a bang! 

 

5. A drunk man comes inside a bar and says, "Happy New Year, everybody."

"It's June, you drunk," replies the waiter.

The drunk man looks at his watch and says, "Oh my god, my wife is going to kill me! I have never been so late in my life!"

 

6. My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.

 

7. Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was.

She said, "Fuck you".

So I'm pretty excited for 2019.

 

8. In 2019 I took New Year resolution that I will only tell furniture jokes

And sofa so good.

 

9. Every New Year's Eve, I look forward to a good show at Time's Square

...and year after year, they drop the ball

 

10. My wife asked me how much weight I’ve lost since the new year started. I told her 50 pounds.

"No way! That’s great, but I hate to say it doesn’t look it. Are you sure?"

"Well, yes. I’ve lost the same five pounds ten times."

 

11. This year I'm keeping my new year's resolution simple.

Everything in 1080p.

 

12. Little Johnny's father gives him $50 to buy some fireworks for new year.

When he returns, they try a couple but none of them worked.

"Johnny, where did you get these fireworks? None of them work."

"Strange, when I was on my way back, I tried them all and they worked just fine."

 

13. On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing.  As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death.

 

14. New Years Eve forecast: Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.

 

15. My wife still hasn't told me what my New Year's resolutions are.

 

16. What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on New Year's Eve?

He got 12 months!

 

17. My New Year's resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.

 

18. People think New Years is a life-changing event.

If your life sucked last year, it's probably still going to suck tomorrow.

 

19. On New Year's Eve, Bill was in no shape to drive having had a few too many, so he sensibly left his car in the car park and walked home.

As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a cop.

"What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?" asked the officer.

"I'm on my way to a lecture," answered Bill.

"And who in their right mind is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?" asked the cop sarcastically.

"My wife," slurred Bill grimly.

 

20. An old woman called her husband during his drive home on New Year's Eve,

"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"

Herman replied, "It's not just one car, Ethel. There are hundreds of them!"