Marriage is a funny thing in many aspects. We first get to know someone, date them and we then tie the knot, which means we want to spend the rest of our lives with that person. This is romantic and insane at the same time. And this is what makes these marriage jokes hilarious. Read and share these marriage jokes with your wife or husband and enjoy a good laugh together.
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"
The husband said, "No sweetie."
The woman said, "I'm sure you would."
So the man said, "Okay, I would"
Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"
And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."
Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."
Wife: Why do you go out in the balcony, when I start singing.
Husband: Because the people would think I am beating you.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says,
“Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?”
“Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.”
The man nods. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor…
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”
Ah, marriage. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”
She answered, “I do.”
After 12 years in prison, a man finally breaks out. When he gets home, filthy and exhausted, his wife says, “Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!”
My husband talks in his sleep. Unfortunately, he also snores, so I sometimes give him the wifely elbow.
“What?!” he demanded one night, still mostly asleep.
“Turn over—you’re snoring,” I said.
He did as instructed and while doing so muttered, “That’s nothing; you should hear my wife snore.”
Wife: “Our new neighbour always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don’t you do that?”
Husband: “How can I? I don’t even know her.”
Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.
Son: Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.
Father: Son, that’s true everywhere.
A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoebox that she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash.
“My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue,” she explained. “Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.”
Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. “But what about all this money?” he asked.
“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”
A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!”
The hypnotherapist shakes his head. “Not again...”
On the morning of her birthday, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace. What do you think it means?”
“Maybe you’ll find out tonight,” he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. She ripped off the wrapping paper and found a book titled The Meaning of Dreams.
Why does a man twist his wedding ring on his finger?
He’s trying to figure out the combination.
Even though there was a blizzard raging outside, I made it the half-mile to the bakery, where I asked the owner for six rolls.
“Your wife must like rolls,” he said.
“How do you know these are for my wife?” I asked.
“Because your mother wouldn’t send you out in weather like this.”
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
A man and his wife have to go to the doctor. The doctor asks, “Do you share the same blood group?”
The husband replies, “We must by now. She’s been sucking my blood for years.”
My husband and I had very happy twenty years. After that, we met.
At a medical check-up:
Do you do dangerous sports?
Well, sometimes I talk back at my wife.
While doing a crossword puzzle, I asked for my husband’s help.
"The word is eight letters long and starts with m, and the clue is ‘tiresome sameness.’"
"Monogamy," he answered.
There are women whose thoughtful husbands buy them flowers for no reason. And then there’s me. One day I couldn’t stand it any longer. "Why don’t you ever bring me flowers?" I asked.
"What’s the point?" my husband said. "They die after about a week."
"So could you," I shot back, "but I still like having you around."
An elderly couple had been shopping at a grocery store, and the wife decided to steal a can of peaches. The inevitable happened and she was caught. Upon her court date, the judge asked her what she had stolen.
"Your Honor, I stole a can of peaches."
The judge replied, "How many peaches were in the can?"
She said, "Six."
The judge then said, "I will sentence you to six days in jail."
Her husband stood up behind her and replied, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."
A boy asked his father, "Dad, how much does it cost to get married?"
His father grimly replied, "I wouldn’t know son, I'm still not done paying for it."
An elderly couple:
“Jim, I just cannot fall asleep…”
Jim: “The evil never sleeps.”
My husband and I attended a bridal fair trying to drum up work for his fledgling wedding photography business. One vendor assumed we were engaged and asked when the big day was.
“Oh, we’ve been married ten years,” I said.
“Really?” she asked. “But you look so happy.”
A wife is scrambling eggs when her husband bursts into the kitchen.
“Careful,” he cries. “Careful! You’re cooking too many at once. Too many! Scramble them! Now! We need more butter. They’re going to stick! Careful! Now scramble them again! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!”
The wife turns and asks, “What is wrong with you?”
Her husband calmly replies, “I wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
When I asked a friend the secret to his 52 years of marriage, he replied, “We never go to sleep angry.”
“That’s a great philosophy,” I noted.
“Yes. And the longest we’ve been awake so far is five days.”
My wife and I were having a very hypothetical discussion: In the unlikely event that Hollywood made a movie based on our lives, we wondered what stars would play us.
“Who would you pick to portray you?” she asked me.
I thought about it for a minute, then answered, “Dennis Quaid.”
“In that case,” she said, “I’ll play myself.”
When we finished a personality assessment at work, I asked my friend Dan if he would share the results with his wife. “That would require me to go home and say, ‘Hi, honey. I just paid someone $400 to tell me what’s wrong with me,’ ” he said. “And based on that, considering we’ve been married 23 years, she’d hand me a bill for $798,000.”
Bigamy is having one husband too many.
Monogamy is the same.
Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband demurred, saying two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he’d put an end to things, saying boldly, "After our second child, I’ll just have a vasectomy."
Without a moment’s hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you’ll love the third one like it’s your own!"
I was bending over to wipe up a spill on the kitchen floor when my wife walked into the room behind me. "See anything you like?" I asked suggestively.
"Yeah," she said. "You doing housework."
My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter but often turns to me for advice. Recently I was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, "What should I feed Lily for lunch?"
"That’s up to you," I replied. "There’s all kinds of food. Why don’t you pretend I’m not home?"
A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my husband saying, "Yeah, hi, honey. Uh…what should I feed Lily for lunch?"
Soon after we were married, my husband, Paul, stopped wearing his wedding band.
"Why don’t you ever wear your ring?" I asked.
"It cuts off my circulation," Paul replied.
"I know," I said. "It’s supposed to."
As we left the gym after our first real workout in years, my husband and I both felt energized. "Let’s renew our commitment to do it three times a week," I said.
"Absolutely," my husband agreed, "three times as a minimum."
"And no whining," I said. "No excuses."
"No, we’ll do it with energy and enthusiasm."
"And on my late night, we can just meet here at the gym."
"The gym?" my husband said, crestfallen. "I thought we were talking about sex!"
Hoping to lose some weight, my wife told me she wanted to get an exercise bicycle. I reminded her that she had a very nice and rather expensive bike in the garage. She explained that she wanted a stationary one.
"Your bicycle has been stationary," I remarked. "That’s why you need to lose ten pounds."
At the airport check-in counter, I overheard a woman ask for window seats for her and her husband. The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them from sitting together.
"Sweetie," the woman replied. "I just spent ten days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I know what I’m requesting."
My husband, Mike, and I had several stressful months of financial difficulties. So one evening I was touched to see him gazing at the diamond wedding ring that symbolized our marriage.
"With this ring…" I began romantically.
"We could pay off Visa," he responded.
I’ve just had a really big row with my wife about going on holiday. I wanted to go to Paris; she wanted to come with me.