Dark Humor is not for everyone. If you are twisted enough to read these Dark Humor Jokes, you are our kind of people. Dare to read and even share these jokes that will definitely make you laugh out loud.
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian said: "Fuck off, you won't bring it back!"
There's a lot of talk about starting families but no one ever talks about finishing what they started.
So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods.
Boy: "Hey mister it's getting dark out here and I'm scared."
Man: "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone."
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater.
A week later, he told me it's the most violent book he's ever read.
Why is the USA bad at chess?
They already lost two towers.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit and a Rottweiler?
Just the Rottweiler.
My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die.
I said, "Usually an overdose, son."
My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.
She went mad, "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"
What did the man with no hands get for Christmas?
Just kidding, he hasn't opened his present yet.
My aunt's star sign was cancer, so it's pretty ironic how she died...
She was eaten by a giant crab.
At the restaurant the other evening, I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken.
He looked at me bemused for a moment and then said, "Nothing special really, we just tell them they're going to die."
"Wow, honey, I never thought our son would go that far!"
"Yeah, the catapult is really amazing. Go get our daughter!"
I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.
The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, "Don't eat anything fatty."
I said, "What - no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?"
He said, "No fatty, just don't eat anything."
I asked Siri why I was still single.
She turned on the front camera.
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins.
I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
I went to the chemist today and asked for a box of condoms.
The girl serving asked me if I wanted a bag with it.
I said, "No thanks, she's actually quite pretty."
"You da bomb!"
"No, you da bomb!"
In America - a compliment. In the Middle East - an argument.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left it.
"Are you serious - I can't believe you've never had a mobile phone?" asked a girl I was chatting to in a nightclub. "What if your parents died and someone needed to get hold of you?"
"Well that's hardly likely to happen, they died 6 years ago!" I said angrily.
"Oh I'm so sorry, you still sound really hurt," she replied.
I said, "Of course I am, I only heard about it 2 days ago."
I broke up with my Japanese girlfriend today.
I had to drop the bomb two or three times before she finally got it.
What's red and bad for your teeth?
I was going to tell a dead baby joke. But I decided to abort.
My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"
They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she's seeing someone.
It's either really terrible news or really great news.
Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. "My friend isn't breathing," he shouts into the phone. "What should I do?"
"Relax," the operator tells him. "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There's silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?"
I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus. And I lost my job as a bus driver!
"Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?" the patient asked.
"To the morgue," the doctor replied.
"What?" The patient panicked. "But I'm not dead yet!"
"And we're not there yet," the doctor said.